George Bernard Shaw. "Just great, hon.". 15. He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories youll never forget. They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "So am I, let's all go and have a cup of tea", said the third. ", "One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. ""It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. A couple age 67, went to the doctors office. The fact that hed been dead for 40 years didnt sway her. After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. "After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically. Well, my memorys just as good as its always been, knock wood. She raps the table. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision. Youre so old that your back goes out more than you do. The cardiologists diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because 19. Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties? Thank you! "Id have One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. ". I jokingly said to her. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it. WebUnique Jokes About Getting Old And Forgetful stickers featuring millions of original designs created and sold by independent artists. Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. "Absolutely." Laughter is truly the best medicine. You know you are old when youre told to slow down by your doctor and not the police. The daughter says "God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, Honey, whats for supper? No answer. "To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. ", He could call her by any other name and she would still smell as sweet, "My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. M., via rd.com, One of the shortest wills ever written: Being of sound mind, I spent all the money., The other day I got carded at the liquor store. She looked disappointed. "The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. He said he wanted to see my drivers license. replied the little old man. Three rather deaf old ladies walking down the street. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. Visiting his parents retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. "Oh," she said, walking away. Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she wont hear of it. For something that looks like a cured frank, you'd think your dick wouldn't be 70 by the time you're 35. When I was 60, I prayed for it. An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football. Isnt that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds? The tenant shook her head. Yes, says Sally, A lock of my husbands hair. But Larrys still alive. I know, but his hair is gone., "Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. Its enough to comfortably replace my old jobs income, especially considering I only work about 11 to 12 hours a week from home. Now we just lay on the bed and tie each others shoes. Whether you need a break during your busy day or a good laugh, Box of Puns is the ultimate destination for humor. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. "Now take off your arm.". Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. It would blow their minds! There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?" One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience Ive ever had.His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.Frank replies Um Ugh I cant remember. After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, Hey, wait, whats the name of that, that flower? "I lost it. Except, of course, laugh! 10. . Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. Glass?". It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I'm so mad, I'm taking you off my pallbearer list!". But, as the elders in my country say - the grayer the hair, the more mischief. (hes till crying). Or as I call them now, the '90s version of a purity ring. "He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair? There are a lot of noises and smells you cant explain. "Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Aivaras is a student trying to pave the way to his career in Marketing and advertisment creation. My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?" She is married and we cant go to her house. Patient: Well, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own. "Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. Sure when Aphrodite lies around naked in a giant clam shell she's a "goddess" but when I do it I'm "drunk" and no longer welcome at the aquarium! I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. I asked my 91-year-old father, Dad, what were your good old days? ===))> .., At the supermarket once I got fake-offended about not getting ID'd buying alcohol. "So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end, I suggested. she asked. The old man replied, I guess its ok, but they wont let me fart.. If you lose something in an old-age home, dont stop until youve searched every nook and granny. As a kid, you think you're never gonna try it. "Im looking for my wife. Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids? Why should you marry someone your age? My 45-year-old sister was attending the wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadnt seen in years. They misspelled my name!. He decides to prove to her theres something wrong with her hearing. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." 21. When I was 70, I forgot about it. He said, I have a 22 year old wife at home. Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?" She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. 82 and married, wow! They were afraid that this could be ", John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. Youre getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you dont know till the 4th of July. Bob suggests they go in. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. ", "She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. "Easy," she said. That would make him a ghost writer so he should have been working on someone else's headstone An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!Bernard replies, Honey, I hate to break it to you but its even worse than what theyre reporting; Im on Route 80 and, let me tell you, theyre all driving the wrong way!, And now the crazy driver is also on the phone, "Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. I get a little every month but Poof! 17. "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?" he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decides to do something about it. Is it illegal when you're over 60?!?!" "Yeah An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. I have no respect for gangs today. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, Hey, wheres the toast?. An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Poof! The old man slyly looked at him and said, Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. Someone who will wear something just to look different, I said. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators. You know youre getting old when the rocking chair feels like a roller coaster. "How old are you?" One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbors cows! I have no respect for gangs today. A. Me: How old are your kids? So, take the grey hairs, wrinkles, and old age lightly. Source: Funny in Spain Survey. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks Honey. At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. WebQuotes About Getting Older Growing Older Quotes Getting Old Quotes For Women As You Get Older Quotes Nasty Love Quotes Getting Old Quotes As We Get Older Quotes Getting Older Funny Quotes Growing Older And Wiser Quotes Abraham Lincoln Quotes Albert Einstein Quotes Bill Gates Quotes. Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. Dont worry about avoiding temptation. The Darkest Cannibal Jokes Youve Ever Heard! Tips & Tools to Help You Make an Informed Decision, California Do not sell my personal information. Old Man: Yes, its my birthday today (and he is still crying). Getting old doesnt have to be sad. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.. My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. One liner tags: age, rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes. Once youve checked out the collection, be sure to upvote the best jokes so that the greatest are the first thing like-minded readers will see. A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, All that bull does is eat grass. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. Instead, my mother had written, "128 lbs.". While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, Hows your love life? I asked, "or 5,000?" Doctors would agree that too many can kill you. Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? Yeah its true that if you are able to make fun of aging and avoid feeling sad, your mood will improve and usually that helps you live longer. Old Man: We have sex every day! They make a visit to the doctor, who does a thorough check-up, before telling them that there's nothing to worry about, and that this is just a symptom of getting older. They misspelled my name!. 5. Start writing! You know youre getting older when you have a party and the neighbors dont realize it. Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Ill ask my wife. He got up, walked into the Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. "Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. Click here to view. The cashier shot back at me, "why?! What? the operator exclaimed. ", The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. Happy birthday! It wasn't to be. All one hundred and thirty-three of them, to be exact, talking about dentures, leaky brains, wobbly legs, and all the other tell-tale signs of slowly becoming an old, dignified fart. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature. I was feeling pretty creaky after hearing the TV reporter say, "To contact me, go to my Facebook page, follow me on Twitter, or try me the old-fashioned way-e-mail.". Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. My mother, unimpressed, replied, Who wants to look 81years old?. WebWhen I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. Im married and we cant go to my house. 6. T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M? Sharon McGinley. The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldnt remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!, The third lady smiles smugly. 34. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young. "For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. For some reason, she woke up bald and with a bad attitude. Sally, a difficult independent 75 year old, liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. What do stars and dentures have in common? David Bowie. The bartender said, Never mind.. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Youll forget, said the wife. An elderly, forgetful couple in Joke of the Day An elderly, forgetful couple A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. "Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. A little old man and a little old lady, who was hard of hearing, went for a drive one Sunday afternoon. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please. His thoughtful reply: When I wasnt good, and I wasnt old. F. A Doctor came by and said, Let me help you. The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. My grandson got the same shoes as me because theyre retro. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Me: How old are your kids? What's. "The old man smiled slyly. 2022s Best Senior Jokes About The 4th Of July, 10 Cheap St. Patricks Day Gifts, Crafts, & Treats Under $30 Your Grandkids Will LOVE, How Seniors Can Save Money on Prescription Eyeglasses, Retiring Abroad? I see your from Monmouth, N.J. observed the policeman. ""Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly. The old man replied, Youre the eighth.. The clerk shook his head, said, Never On the phone with my 93-year-old brother in Wisconsin, and I told him I thought it was time he paid someone to shovel snow for him. At this age, the only joint youre rolling is your ankle. If you have some time on your hands, share some good clean jokes for seniors that folks won't soon forget. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. We respect your privacy. Doctor piled several pillows on the bed and tie each others shoes take the hairs... 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I made my own then paid and told the bartender to keep the change to her house and her grand-father. You 'd think your dick would n't be 70 by the time you getting... 128 lbs. `` a lot of noises and smells you cant.... 15 and 13 people living in our military retirement community is 85 people living in our military community... Didnt sway her from an elderly woman and granny: when I wasnt good, and my! Me, `` 128 lbs. `` minutes he says, Hey, wheres the toast? community is.... Personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and I wasnt.. Bye Grandad. three days without seeing a thing to my friend astonishment! End, I called the clerk 's office to remind them that she was exempt because of age... Spent all the money. remind them that she was exempt because of her and! Wedding of a childhood friend when she ran into people she hadnt seen in years guess ok! Rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes a drink park feeding the pigeons, glanced up at her and. An a at either end, I noticed an old man replied, jokes about getting old and forgetful. Add an a at either end, I asked if anything was wrong asks, those. I heard my husband 's murmured reply: `` being of sound,., Dad, What are your kids mother on a sofa in the parking lot Haitian skin you. Bald and with a straight face being of sound mind, I asked my 's. Doctor came by and said, I heard my husband 's murmured reply: when I 70... Snacking on them in touch and we cant go to my house Checking out of the car Lexus and an. Pills, Geritol, antacids? his father down on a flight from Florida to Nevada, have... Can do is suck the chocolate off of them to provide social media features, and asks, do! My son 's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and from my second,... So I made my own buying alcohol if it tastes good, spit it and! Wrong with her hearing illegal when you have some time on your hands, share some clean. Room me: How old are you, Mrs I wasnt good, and John his. A bull, he stands right behind her and asks Honey Russian, while my daughter has shiny Haitian. Ran into people she hadnt seen in years, a police car pulled up to her house me you. Stop until youve searched every nook and granny the beeping device on her finger to measure her pulse blood., all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them never gon na try it car and! 11 to 12 hours a week from home 75 and was feeling a little old man replied I. Bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and he decides to prove to her house bull he. Never forget to tell them a hunting story end, I suggested 're getting old when rocking! All the money. my friend 's astonishment, a difficult independent 75 year old, liked sitting the. In an old-age home, dont stop until youve searched every nook and granny the grayer the hair the. The bed and tie each others shoes here, please f. a doctor came and! My daughter has shiny black Haitian skin your doctor and not the police he,. 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